A Sonnet of Heresy

All in two hours

It goes on... a deadly process

woke up... was fine... had breakfast was still fine... swicthed on my computer... decided to watch posiedon... the CDs had been lying around for months now... never seen it... saw it... still fine... decided to listen to songs... found and old CD of Zubin's songs... all fine... and then that song...and nothing seems to be fine anymore... LOVE and MUSIC... they have a strange appeal dont they?

ajiu je nubuju ekuke kar babe asu je roi

(i still dont understand for whom i wait)

janisilu tumi ur nohuwa tothapi tu moi roi

(i knew you would never be mine, but still waiting)..

the song goes on... yes one of my favourites... one of the few assamese songs i have listened to... i dont listen much to them as i dont understand half of it... what a waste... my mother tongue... i cant understand it... i hardly understand any language do i? damn.

i sing along where i can... i know some thing is deep inside is troubled... i hit the wall hard.. my hand still aches. i take a bath... put on other songs to make myself feel better... better?? was i really feling bad?? about what? bloody hell... i dont know...

one more song... this is time its about the state... and i sing along... darn my state... what do i do?

i get ready to go to office... sit at the bus stop... something going inside my brain... dunno what...

my mom had called me yesterday..she told me my young cousin who studies in class ten was comeing back from NY yesterday... there would be a press conference ... of his experience as India's represenatative in the UN .. chosen from thousand of students across the world...

feels good... he will do great..wil make us all proud... already a star..just like our grand father... but he still didnt know that grandfather had died the day he left for NY. He was not told..he would know only when he arrives in India... He must have been tod yesterday..wonder what was his reaction...

while he rose our old star fell.. granpa was no more... my phool koka as i used to call him...

my cousin jaan as we call him would be next torch bearer of the family? between him and grana there has been no one who could do it... i am such a loser... i have no identity... i am so incapable ...hell i guess i am... i cant get myself an identity leave alone providing my family with one...

the bus arrives... i get in... all sad faces... i am tired.. i search for a glad face... NONE

hell this place is so full of dark faces...

I see a hoarding ... it's an ad for a sari company... beautifull woman... theres some inspiration... but for what? what do i do? what do i need to do?

i see people rushing into the bus..for what? everyone is ruching to somewhere? where to? everyone is so busy? for what? quite a lot of energy... for all that materialistic desires...

But am i not following the same path... i decide i would go to college once before i go to office.. get down ...walk to college... my girlfren calls up.. she is not happy that i didnt meet her... she has ben depressed of late... my ex roomie messages me ..he is depressed too ..he could not meet the girl he loves... my mom calls up...she says she gotmissed calls from me..from me?? i never called her.. how? never mind.. i asked her where are we all runnig to.. she says that's life...

i see an old begger at the corner of a road..his hands stretched.. i have seen him at the same spot with the same streched hand for over a year now... never cared to give him any money... same today. A car zooms past me... almost brushes me... there's a C wriiten on the back windsheild...

the car seems to be saying see u agin..i dont knw if it meant it will salute me the next time we meet as i am living being... or will it strike me off to make me a non living thing ... a stone...

but then..i guess i am already a stone... am i?

there's a song playing at full blast as i pass by a meat shop.. duur (far)...

I wonder where i am going ... am i going further from where i want to or is my destination so far that i dont even know where i am headed...

i have a t shirt ... there is something written on it... says " I dont know where i am headed, but I am on my way,"

i start humming a song... the suns back... i reach college ..decide to surf the mail..end up writing this... still dont know what i want to write... but its too late to decide know.. i have to go to office... so i am leaving... sigh!